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Be Autistic

So I wrote “at some point I will dedicate a whole blog for my Industry Research Project” turned out to be last Sunday. That’s where a whole chunk of my data hoarding will be unloaded – be-autistic.com and all because I went on 3 hours of digital detox when I wrote The Future of Autism below.

Yet, I foresee I’ll come to a point when danywhere.com and be-autistic.com will meet in the middle personally. But I’ll cross that bridge when the time comes. Right now, as a surprisingly overachiever and overambitious alien, I’m running two blogs at the same time. Ho ho ho. Merry Christmas to me!

5

The Future of Autism Spectrum

I know at some point I will have to write about this. At some point I will dedicate a whole blog entirely to my Industry Research Project (IRP). At some point was suppose to be in January 2015. However, writing about this makes me realised that I need to make this happen a lot sooner than I anticipated.

I need to pour out my thoughts into structured sentences for things to make sense because being analysis paralysis about Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is drowning me.

While it’s not exactly a surprise, it still create that “Seriously?” look on people’s face when I told them that my IRP is based on How to Harness Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) Individuals’ Special Abilities in Today’s World.

A subject I’m too familiar with.

Why do I think this is an important problem to solved? (At this point, it sounds like I’m trying to save the world..and in a bonkers kinda way, secretly..that’s what I want to do or attempt to at least)

Apart from a personal interest, I have been observing the pool of talents available out there from people on the autism spectrum and a majority of the talents are wasted because most people don’t have enough understanding about autism or don’t know how to communicate with them. It appears that as of 2009, only 15% of adults with autism in the UK are employed full-time. Whether it’s the right profession is another question altogether.

How is this even relevant to the real world, you ask?

Autism Spectrum Disorder individuals have unique ways of processing information compared to the rest of the people in this world. They just function differently from other people but it doesn’t mean that they are incapable of understanding what goes around the world. One of the most amazing people on this earth who happens to have autism, Temple Grandin (a professor, innovator, author, PETA and autism activists) explained it best in Jill Mullin’s remarkable book Drawing Autism that changed my life:

Photo Credit: Dabid Dabid

Photo Credit: Dabid Dabid

” Many individuals on the autism spectrum often excel at one thing, while struggling with something else. There are three types of specialised autistic mind – visual thinker, pattern thinker and word specialist.”

Because their minds are so defined, they are capable of interpreting facts and complex data in ways that normal people can’t. I find the idea of collaborating with their minds exciting because if there’s anyone who is able to be innovative in a world filled with noise, it’s them.

Yet, we are not. Why is that so? Are they so alien to us that we exist in different reality?

Naturally, as a self-professed grave digger (a term I call myself ever since I got into Hyper Island), I dig deeper into why is autism a mystery in the 21st century. It didn’t occur to me at first but I found out that for the last few decades, many assumed autism can be cured but recently, researchers have slowly moved their mindset from being a disease to a way of life.

If more people adopt the concept of autism being all about functioning and thinking differently, perhaps we’re able to break the stigma around autism spectrum.

But for this to happen, we have to first have a universal understanding or definition as to what autism spectrum is truly about because every other year or so, the definition, characteristics or symptoms keep on changing. That itself creates a big confusion for the public to take in.

This is the current definition of Autism Spectrum Disorder by NHS:

ASD is a condition that affects social interaction, communication, interests and behaviour. It includes Asperger syndrome and childhood autism.

In essence, it doesn’t say much but in reality, the spectrum for autism is so wide! It ranges from very mild to classic autism where ASD individuals might not even know they have it unless they get diagnosed because they found ways to cope (this indirectly make people think autism can be “cured”).

Credit to Cornwall Council

Credit to Cornwall Council

It’s apparent that autism spectrum needs an overhaul. A rebranding from being a disability to a capability.

How is it that, it’s normal for people to say “I’m feeling depressed” in a conversation and not take it too seriously but at the same can’t be applied when someone say “I’m feeling autistic”?

This thought only popped up in my mind when I was trying to talk to people on the autism spectrum. I was so afraid of offending them with my words that I was mentally “paralysed”.

It’s this stigma that’s hindering us from making that connection with autism spectrum individuals and utilise their analytical/technical thinking.

Just imagine what industries like engineering, creative, R&D or business could benefit from their gifts? The moment any one of these industry is able to tap into their skills, they are able to push the envelope to innovate something new and force everyone else to be on their level, or at the very least enable the rest to apply critical thinking in a different way.

Photo Credit: Brandon JP Scott

Photo Credit: Brandon JP Scott

Hey, Tim Burton is believed to be in the spectrum (so was Einstein, Newton, Mozart and Warhol). Look what they achieved with their special abilities?

This correlates to what Google has been doing since late October 2012 when they started Autism Daily Newscast. Their objective is to be the Reuters in ASD and it’s interesting to think why Google is dedicating a whole division for ASD if it’s not to help them identify the talents they can acquire for the company, simultaneously transforming Google to the next level.

Photo Credit: Sesame Street

Photo Credit: Sesame Street

The same can be said about Sesame Street’s See Amazing in All Children Autism Initiative campaign that’s happening in United States. In one glance, you can see who their partners are and it’s no surprise that they come from various background. It’s also interesting to note that BAE Systems (a British multinational defence, security and aerospace company) is one of the funders and imagine what they can do with the data regarding children in the autism spectrum in the future.

Fact that Groupon has joined the bandwagon with Sesame Street to support the initiative through a sweepstakes three days ago made me think about what companies are currently getting by supporting such programs. Altruistically of course it’s a good thing but there’s a bigger goal here that we’re not seeing, at least not with naked eyes. Strategically, having Sesame Street marching in the forefront is the most brilliant move not only because they have a diverse audience, they have a strong voice in this world to command any kind of movement in any community. People will listen.

So, looking back, the tech industry is definitely looking into the future of ASD skills, to prepare companies for future jobs to fill in. Right now though, the focus and message are mainly for families, caretakers, friends of ASD individuals on how to manage their behaviours.

I definitely think autism spectrum in general is the next big thing to disrupt all large industries. Soon, there will be a need for a job agency dedicating to ASD individuals (thanks to Mary, our industry leader for Business Transformation module in Hyper Island, plucking this out among the many information I was hoarding).

A job agency for people in the spectrum is unheard of at the moment and will become my main goal in the Industry Research Project. A purpose I can see that will benefit everyone from the bottom of the chain right up to investors. It will also affect the education sector because this will force the system to re-evaluate and reassess school programs. Indirectly, this will also affect the depression rate among people in the spectrum by identifying and focusing on their strengths. If more people can apply this behaviour strategies, will we be able to create more safe haven places in this world for them? Come to think of it, would the behaviour strategies work on people in general? How will this affect the way we work in the office?

Yes, that grave I speak of is deeper than I can ever imagine but one I’m fired up to do. In the end, if we have to do something that’s going to take a big chunk of our time and energy, it should be towards something we’re passionate about.

But first, a rebranding is needed!

Perhaps the question here is about the way people communicate with individuals on the spectrum.

“Parents, teachers, doctors and everybody who works with individuals on the spectrum need to help these individuals develop their abilities.” – Temple Grandin, Drawing Autism

1

A Matter of Perspective

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Everyone has their own expectations and outcomes from things they want to learn. I came to Hyper Island with no clue what I got myself into.

But everyday, I learn something new, from different people, same people, other people or just myself.

Maybe it’s the fact that I’m living in the moment, paying as much attention to the little things that my perspective might be somewhat different when I hear what others thought about their experience being here so far.

Maybe because for all my life, I’ve always been that kid who had to figure out how to do things alone. Have to build a pathway so others can see clearer. Pretty much self-learning since I could remember because that’s how I’ve been brought up.

Working with Tourism Selangor, at a time when digital media was the biggest mystery to Malaysia cemented the fact that with a lot of reading, determination, passion and awareness, I manage to make the most of what I didn’t know I had. I spent countless hours to get my head wrapped around this responsibility that could’ve destroyed my career given the politics that surrounded it.

I even remember YB Elizabeth Wong, then one of Selangor’s Exco who kept telling Fazly, my then manager to ask me to not “work too hard” but for a couple of years, I kept at it because there’s so much I needed to learn and it excites me when I found a breakthrough (some experiments didn’t go as we planned but that’s why it’s called lessons).

So being in Hyper Island is no different to me, except that experience is amplified by infinity more. To me, self-learning is the only way I know best. So when people ask if I had learned anything from a particular module even when it’s so vague and abstract, I would say I have.

Different people have different expectations and outcomes.

To me, it might not be something obvious that we can use but I know in the future I will go back and apply it. I wouldn’t say I know everything, because I don’t. Pushing myself to dig deeper is still something new. A better way of doing things.

I’ve written about this for my Design Thinking Critique paper – using my past experience as a case study. It’s just about looking at things from another point of view, another window to see how I can do better in the future.

Business Transformation begins today. Just the thought of going through a whole new group for the third time does scare me a little. Although, I’m very excited how this module takes off from the last module Digital Technology, which happens to be my favourite.

Life is a work-in-progress when it comes to learning. Altering the way we think can do wonders to ourselves.

2

I Left Advertising but it’s Embedded in Me

This whole week has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me personally. I did a lot more reflections since my last post, one that I’ve never revealed to anyone but ended up in the cyberspace one fine morning.

That whole revelation about how I treat myself like someone with autistic was not something I had in mind before this. I only realised it when I wrote it here and then more things made sense for me. It’s probably the most accurate description I could tell other people who has to deal with me in the future, like I’m wearing a warning label. 

The thing is, my mind would process logic and facts easily. Emotions cannot be proven, or rather has too many variables to play with and it only makes it too complicated to conclude. This is why Science of Deduction is my favourite go-to method. But this also means I need to spend significant time reading.

And usually, people who thinks logically will eliminate emotions altogether. Often, they are perceive as emotion-less for this reason. I however, function on a different spectrum. While my mind prefers to work with facts and logic, I have very high empathy. That means, I can easily understanding emotions if I put myself in other people’s shoes. The only setback is that, I can’t prove with facts unless it’s been tested already. Because whatever I say would be limited to my own observations and experience

Mind_Heart

This is me figuring out the bridge.



 

My biggest problem for the longest time is to bridge these two and up until two days ago, I’ve been functioning on separate entities.

Jessie tagged me on Brain Picking’s post about Drawing Autism which made me connect more dots about my childhood tendencies. Like a lightbulb, I had my “Aha!” moment lighted brightly. Not that I’m certain about my self-diagnosed but it gave me some form of clarity I’ve been searching all my life. I’m still on that path where there are infinity dots left to figure out but this week really untangled one of my life’s biggest mystery ever.

Which then answers a lot about why I found so much difficulty working in the advertising industry dog years ago. At the time, when I quit the industry, I accepted that I wasn’t fit for the environment, wasn’t as creative as the agency and industry demands and overall, just not awesome. I accepted that as an Art Director, I suck and I’m ok with that because I use my design background to beautify not to manipulate. 

In countries where branding is a strong market, there is such role as Art Director specifically for design and I was convinced, if I were to come back, that would be the role that fits me best. 

Advertising is a dog eat dog world. You have to love it, have passion for it to not only survive when climbing up the ladder but be the best of the best. Because at the end of the day, it’s a small world where everyone knows everyone and words will spread if you’re good or otherwise. 

I started off way at the bottom, from scratch as a DTP Artist in SpencerAzizul Advertising and worked my way up for half a decade. I had some of the best mentors I could ever asked for. Erman being one of the most influential people always sat me down and talked about things that ignite his passion and also which direction I should take. Today, (I feel) he is one of the more prominent minds in the industry and I have no doubt that the Creative Director role is in his pocket sometime soon. Calvin’s another guy who always have this crazy ideas that feels like it’s so out of reach but very possible. Since I was an intern, a small potato – he would go to my table and get me to collaborate with him. I never really understood why because there were so many other talented people in the office. 

“I like your stuff! I think it would be exciting to do this” Cal would say this often when I ask. So did Soon, previous ECD of ours. He used to tell me this a lot but as always, I just didn’t understand why.

Of course, it doesn’t help that I kept thinking everyone’s out of my league in this world. But I worked very hard to be part of this family, at one point I can instantly name the typefaces used (Erman’s very particular about spacing, kerning and typography). I can still name them today but it might take a wee bit more time. 

Then, there’s always the “what’s next?” questions popping up here and there. Slowly this family of 3 years started to disintegrate for better offers and careers. And it slowly made me question where I should be. Naturally, the next step from being a Graphic Designer, especially in Malaysia is to be an Art Director. It’s common sense. There’s no two ways about it when it comes to making a mark for yourself.  

Like his idol Sagmeister, Erman creates typography using anything and everything. I love his instagram feed @ermanbasiron

Like his idol Sagmeister, Erman creates typography using anything and everything. I love his instagram feed @ermanbasiron

Y&R was probably a reality check. Despite spending more than 2 years there, I never really found myself in it. Not because the agency wasn’t good. I just didn’t know how I can be myself in this world. I would dread the word advertising, like a nightmare I had to wake up everyday because it was dissecting one job brief after another, changing campaigns as per client’s request bla bla bla..

When Sasha and Sathi came on board, that feeling sort of pushed aside. I felt like I could do this again with them around even though part of me still couldn’t grasp this responsibility as an AD. We would brainstorm day in day out, trying to be different but still included in the many guidelines given. It wasn’t an ordeal I thoroughly enjoyed but because I had a kick ass copywriter who I could connect with and a funny group head, I immersed myself in this black ocean. 

Some people isn’t cut out to be something. And that’s ok.

It was a mantra I kept playing in my head because while everyone was rushing to get their scams executed before submitting for awards, I ran away from that mentality. But you see, when you’re in an international agency, (winning) awards is part of that dream and the more great ideas approved for submission, people acknowledge that you’re great. I don’t understand that need nor do I have a hunger for it. 

Yet, in the midst of all of that confusion, I was always attracted to the digital world. I just didn’t know what to do with it. I often go blank and poor Sasha had to help polish me with ideas so that we can just do something for the team. Everyday, I feel more helpless than the day before.

I sent in my first resignation to Sathi but he talked me out of it (much like how it was in my previous agency). I gave it another chance and a year later, that throb kept beating harder. By this time, I felt so detached from advertising like it was a foreign language I could never learn to understand. I felt very sad to leave a team who shaped me but I also felt relieved because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone by holding this title I felt was undeserved.

I went back to basic, to where it all started – design. Only this time, it was freelancing. I did a month or so stint as a freelance Art Director a couple months after I left for a smaller agency because I needed the money but as soon as I woke up into that world again, I began to feel resentment.

“Wasn’t this why I left my job in the first place?” kept ringing in my head. Conscience has a brutal honest voice. That’s my conscience. 

Once that job ended, I felt free again. Lesson learned that whenever I do anything for money, all these negative emotions will be infested in me and for that, it became my compass. The greatest reminder in my professional life.

Then I got to collaborate and work with a state tourism agency. I wrote many things about this chapter in my life here but the moment Fazly gave me veto power to handle the social media, I found my purpose. I didn’t understand what it was, no one knew what to do with it or had any idea for that matter. 2011 was when social media grew very fast in the local waves. I did a lot of reading, countless of hours researching, understanding and mind mapping this unknown world until we came up with ways to change the way tourism industry function in the cyber world.

Despite the (many many many) setbacks in that 3 years I invested to this work, the results were far more than any of us could’ve expected. Especially when it started from nothing. We did something with our hands, eyes, mouth and feet tied. While the visual might seem exaggerating, that was exactly how we felt. But courage, passion, tenacity and motivation to do better and have bigger purpose than what is given, we became better people. 

I merged my knowledge from the ad world. What I know and experienced, I put my entire mind, heart and soul combined with other great souls to achieve what we came to change. It wasn’t easy and it will never be easy but the fact that I found my purpose, obstacles are just hoops we have to jump, run, crawl or push over to overcome.

Coming to Hyper Island was the best back up plan I made. Despite knowing that I would give the same amount of heart being a psychologist, this is something bigger. Design, branding, marketing, art direction and copy will always be my core knowledge no matter what I do but perhaps I finally know why I had a hard time back then was because..

I needed time to read and research about a subject before I can contribute any ideas or find solutions to. I didn’t give myself time for that and that’s why my performance was below par. I kept chasing to be as good as other people but I will never be like most people – I can’t just come up with great ideas without fully understanding what the problems, clients, subjects and possibilities are. I compute differently and way more complex. I need to form a clear understanding before I can jump to the next level.

I asked myself last night with this knowledge at hand, would I make a better Art Director if I was given a second chance? Perhaps. But it also depends on the agency’s culture. 

Maybe service design agency would suit better. 

in the end, no matter where we go, I think this ad sums up everything well and also a reminder why we should be doing what we love more. There’s no perfect world but we can change the way we perceive things. I may have left advertising but it’s apparent that advertising didn’t ditch me, no matter the years that went by.

A very smart classified as for Saatchi & Saatchi done by it's CD, Sathi. (a/l means son of in Malaysia)

A brilliant classified ad for Saatchi & Saatchi Malaysia written by it’s CD, Sathi. (a/l means son of in Malaysia)

6

Combustion and Autistic Tendencies.

This is my dog Rolly. 5 years ago she got lost as a puppy and ended up at my porch one morning. I think she's my kindred spirit. As odd as it may sound.

This is my dog Rolly. 5 years ago she got lost as a puppy and ended up at my porch one morning. I think she’s my kindred spirit. As odd as it may sound.

Sometimes, I feel like I can relate to the way people with autism operates. The brain functions differently and it’s difficult to explain the way it processes information not because stupid or slow but because the brainwave embedded (in my head) is a lot more complex than many people. Therefore information can be interpreted infinity times more. It’s not something that can (ever) be changed genetically.

I can only communicate that I need time and deeper reading to understand. What may seem simple or complex is only a perception by an individual.

So it can be frustrating to make people understand me and vice versa. That’s probably why dealing with autism people takes a lot of patience and I often treat myself to that level. That I need patience for myself and for others to let me get to that level where I can transmit thoughts and ideas in layman terms.

Above all, I’m glad that there are people who have do their best to work well with me despite this tendency I have and not just jump into conclusions and cut me off or out. More than anything, I feel blessed to know these people I call my friends who I feel more like a family yesterday when I broke down.

Everyday I think of ways to understand people better. That’s why I do a lot of writing and mind mapping when people talk too fast or too much. I need to digest all this information and not be overwhelmed by all the senses. Few people will at first take it personally that I seem to listen but I don’t pay attention because I’m jotting down on my notebook but this only happens when there’s too many things going on and I need to isolate all my senses and maximise it’s capabilities.

So by eliminating sight, I can hear better. By focusing on a blank piece of paper and the pen that will translate massive amount of information, my brains can focus on taking it apart and restructuring it again. It’s either that or I focus on music to recalibrate my thoughts. Photography works brilliant with this system because the eye focus on the composition and subject, background and foreground. The brain analyses the way the composition, subject, background and foreground merges together.

It’s the idea of being able to detach everything, breaking it down into smaller pieces and then piece the puzzle back again into a bigger picture that makes me feel more assured and accomplished. It’s taking apart and finding the core values, the source of the inspiration or issue before trying to find solution that makes it easier for me to understand how things work and feel more comfortable figuring it out.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder if deep down I have some form of autism symptoms because I know I have to put in a lot more work to keep up with people and be at their level.

Or maybe many people in general prefer to talk instead of making space for their silent thoughts.

I’m still coping and finding ways to figure it out. More so for myself so that others won’t have as much difficulty understanding me than I do of myself. I can only imagine what it must feel like for other people to deal with me when at times I find it infuriating just because I am wired this way. I can only wish that there’s a computer that could translate my brainwave for me so that other people can understand the way I work but until someone comes up with it, all I can ask is be patient.

I will get there. I just function differently.

4

Play, Rewind, Pause: The HI5 Experience

Northern Quarter

It’s a rather new discovery this part of me I just got to know. Probably a little less than a year and having to move to Manchester just amplified that notion about me being an introvert. My tendencies have kept me questioning about myself more since I’ve moved here. Of the things that I am more comfortable with versus the things I should be doing.

It hasn’t occur to me what culture shock feels like until I removed myself from the environment I’ve built for a lifetime. It is then that I am able to see the other side of myself without trying too hard.

First week at Hyper Island made me feel like I have a mental disorder. Of course, I meant it in a good way.

I liken the first day as my bubble bursting in thin air the moment we were meant to mingle with other people in Hyper Island. As with every other first day, I know how I will be – awkward. I’ve always thought of myself as somewhat socially inept. Not on an extreme level but to a certain degree, I lean towards it.

For that, I played along where I could but then Hyper Island one-up their game by getting us all to do a personal presentation about the 3 events or people that had impacted us. Each of us, including HI managers and facilitators did it.

Hyper Island Crew 5_6

“It’s an equal level playground this new school of thought,” I told myself.

Everyone had something to say, something to ask, something to answer yet there I was shutting it all down as fast as I could. Well, I tried to and felt guilty thereafter and what an odd sensation to feel – a deep conscience telling me what I did was wrong and it carried on till the next day.

Hyper Island went on another level and kickstarted a Reflection Session after we “check-in”.

It’s funny that there were two running themes that went on prior to my departure and here I am diving head first into it and unearth the very core of my emotions based on these themes (self awareness and reflection).

Wait, what am I doing in Hyper Island you might ask? Masters in Digital Marketing Management is what I got myself into and what’s better – it’s a super accelerated course. Somehow, I have a knack for getting myself into madness no matter where I go.

Piccadilly Gardens

Hyper Island Crew 5_3

Hyper Island Way Week taught us all to be aware and reflect on our actions individually, small groups and eventually to the entire crew. Imagine how nerve-wrecking that experience had been on the second day itself (and will continue till the end of the program). It’s no wonder I needed 3 days to recover from all that “therapy” when we first started. Yeah, I excused myself from the after-class outings because I was emotionally and mentally exhausted from all that digging and thinking. It doesn’t help that I’m really loving the apartment I’m staying too.

Hyper Island Crew 5_2

Brilliant way to kickstart though. Brilliant indeed to break our walls on our very first week.

Even my past therapy sessions didn’t feel as intense as this.

But, on the upside, it taught me to make improvement every single day. Just one thing at a time. It was what I had got myself to do the last 6 years on a personal level. This time, it’s on professional AND personal level. Oh boy.

I knew everyday that I’m thankful for this diversion He got me to do. What was known as my back up plan is now my primary plan and I’m grateful for the opportunity. I know now that, I had to be here right now at this moment because I’m ready on all level. It might tear me apart and stitch up together but I will not be able to appreciate the greatness that HI delivers if I wasn’t where I am today.

Yeah, this is where I’m suppose to be and I better make sure to do the best I can.

Two weeks ago, Max, our program manager asked us to write a letter to ourselves and sealed it in an envelope. I suspect it’s for time capsule but anyways, one of the things I wrote to myself was about making a deal with the introvert side of me. I may take any one weekday off to recharge and any one weekend for the same reason but the rest, I need to make effort to join the crew for whatever they intend to do, as long as I’m ok with it. Everyday since then, I do my best to push myself from falling back to my comfort zone. To others it may seem almost insignificant but an effort is still an effort.

Hyper Island Crew 5_4

Hyper Island Crew 5_5

I’ve enjoyed my time so far. I really have. The people are fantastic. Crew 5 (that’s what we’re called) are from all sorts of background and countries. It’s amazing to know how other people from other parts of the world think and feel. In such a short time, they have shaped me to be a better person one way or another. Truly an amazing chapter in my life even if I don’t even know what’s ahead of me for the rest of the year but with open mind comes with an open heart.

It’s refreshing to not know what other people’s religions are or races for that matter. Malaysia has been so accustomed to pigeon-hole humans into different sectors and lifestyles – they are either Chinese, Indians, Malay or others who believe in Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam or none of the above. That itself sort of become our crutch in the real world. Everything has to fit into some kind of stereotype and it’s in HI that I learned none of these really mattered.

None whatsoever. Zilch. Nada.

Hyper Island Crew 5

Everyone respected each other. If you happened to say something insensitive, you can be sure that feedback will be given from the horse’s mouth. We’re wired that way in what I would call the Hyper Culture. It makes us more productive, effective and human in so many ways.

We have this space to make mistakes, forgive ourselves and other people for it and make it better. What has been playing on my mind is, now that we’ve created a whole different bubble for ourselves, by the time we get back to real world, that bubble is going to burst and I look forward to see how we can apply all these methods and culture to other people.

To summarise our program, it’s about cultivating some form of leadership qualities in all of us and take ownership of the consequences we are about to cause. I hope you don’t think we’re going do things quietly without any impact..because we will.

Last week was the start of the incredible journey of masters with real clients and mentors from all kinds of industry. I don’t know how to feel but naturally, I’ll give all I have to be better as solo and team player.

 

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0

Back Against The Wall

Under Construction

At this point in time,
the road is unseen,
unwritten and unimagined;
Yet here I am standing,
heart and soul exposed
with everything to lose.

I want to answer,
I want to say,
Most definitely to scream
“It will be okay”
but I never convey
Never reach for that day.

Honestly, I am too afraid
Don’t know what to do
With this grenade,
ticking away minute after minute
“Just throw it to me”,
whispered a voice I never foresee.

How can this be?
So far from any possibility.
I see that charming smile,
the one that’s capable
of undoing everything
I try very hard protecting.

It’s always gonna be like this,
One moment I think I’m done
And then I’m hitting home run.
Someone tell me what’s going on,
‘Cuz at this rate, I’m so far gone
I don’t know what I should hold on.

“What about the adventure you speak of?”
Oh, how I long for those days my love!
He took my hands and shove all insecurities,
Writing our story with so much purity
“I’ve always been here, only a lot less gutsy”
“Welcome home”, I hand out his old key.

 

I wrote Under Construction a month ago but had pushed it aside because I didn’t think it had any place here, or in my point of view, I don’t know how it could fit in this little world.

I don’t know any other way to write but to tell it from the way I feel deep down. I think because I felt that my back is against the wall more times than I like it to be, whether on my own doing or otherwise..it’s been a struggle to push back.

So I stay put for a bit. Praying for the calmness to arrive after chaos.

To be frank, I don’t know how to move forward from here. Maybe once I get this phase over and done with, I’ll get that release I’ve been longing for. Excuse my incapability in writing something important right now. There’s a time when the need needs to be met before crossing over to the greener pasture. This is that.

When I face a wall, poetry and art manage to depict my emotions. There is no better way to describe the feelings I’ve been going through than Pablo Suarez’s Exclusion masterpiece which was exhibited at The Museum of Modern Art in Buenos Aires, Argentina.

Pablo Suarez Exclusion Argentina