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Running in Circles

I kinda understood what other people tell me, that when you’re away for a while and go back to where you came from – it takes a while to settle in. For some, they could never feel settled and I’m quite wary of that feeling. Of that restlessness.

To be quite honest, my return to KL is meant as a short break. But I can already sense that uneasiness when I’m around other people. I just don’t want to deal with all that yet. I don’t want to hear “So, what’s next?” or “What will you be doing?” again and again because I don’t know.

I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know.

There, that’s as honest as I can be. And I don’t like the look I get after they sense it from me. The “What are you going to do with your life?” look is one I detest right now because I feel like a failure. Yet I haven’t even achieved anything or done anything to prove that I will fall.

All I want to do right now, is just be. I know what I can do, I just need to figure out how to build that path here because it’s currently neither here nor there.

Three years ago, I created my own job after a year of experimenting. I know I’ll be creating another one for me to feel useful again.

Although, there is a new project I got to be part of last week and that awaken a sleeping monster. Again, I’m still unsure what I’m capable of doing. Like, I know I can do something but trying to put things together is where I feel lost. There’s this blank space I need to fill in but I don’t know with what.

I got to know so many amazing souls, so many I don’t know what to do about it.

That’s also another thing that’s driving me nuts.

Oh well, this is kinda part of the journey to figure myself out. I just hope I can wrap it up fast. Blah. I have roughly a month plus before I fly out and seriously get my shit together.

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Saving the World Business Love Affair

One of my favourite discoveries in Yorkshire

One of my favourite discoveries in Yorkshire

Eye rolls, grins and that typical look I get whenever someone ask me about what I intend to do.

I have to admit, whatever I end up saying or plan to do will most likely sound like I’m trying to save the world. So I get why I get those looks from people most of the time. I really do.

Because, if I was them, I’d do the same too.

I don’t know what is it with me and the idea of doing something that resonates with this superhero complexity I have. Maybe, a part of me wants to undo the past, of what I didn’t have the power or wisdom to do anything then but today, given the knowledge and experience, perhaps I can right the wrong somehow. Give other people the opportunity to live in better state of mind.

I have roughly 9 days before my adventure with Hyper Island in Manchester comes to an end. Yesterday marked our sixth month residency in this city that I’ve come to find comfort in and I realised that being in HI has elevated my determination to do whatever I want because they allow us to do what we want. Therein lies a crux for some of us, well more for me really. I’ve been giving it a lot of thought, what is it about HI that made me be the way I am today? How is it different from the rest? Am I looking at the rose-tinted glasses that I’m potentially setting myself for some kind of down fall once the bubble burst?

To be honest, I don’t know.

It could be a long love affair with my life of fighting against the current since the day I was born. There is always something I had to pull out of the hat to prove that I’m here, alive and relevant. It was also part of the 10 year love affair with the black hole I spent spiralling through my growing up years.

So yes, being in Hyper Island wiped off all that history of breaking walls and burning bridges with society back home. I may be one of the weirdest alien in Malaysia but over here, HI forces us to go deeper and embrace our differences. That, my weirdness is not weird enough to be called weird.

Wait, does that even make sense?

Essentially, that freedom to explore all corners of my interests, fascinations and weirdness have made me felt like I’m normal. So normal, I need to kick myself to push harder. I don’t know where Be Autistic, my industry research project will be taking me to..because I’m setting myself so freaking high, I’m hanging onto anything at this point.

I wonder if one day I’ll wake up feeling “Yes, I’ve conquered my confidence!” and be done with all the insecurities. Then, I remember, confidence is a work in progress, it’s not something we can overcome once and for all and move on from there. There’s always something to shake it up, to make things even.

For now though, I’m done feeling inferior with myself. I’m ending this turmoil about feeling like I’m so different that I’m never gonna figure this life out because.. as Tash once told me at a party we were at (not sure if she even remembered), I’m not that different as I thought.

Seriously, coming here really opened my eyes about myself. I may have been fighting an endless battle all my life because back home, whoever I’m suppose to be is not yet an “accepted” concept but over here, you have to fight harder to stay true to who you are.

Fuh, that’s a lot of battles but without them, I don’t think living is worth it at all. We just have to pick the right battles that will enrich our mind and soul. If anything, it should empower us to do things differently (in a good way, of course). And if it doesn’t, there’s always tomorrow to change that.

I’m not looking forward to moving out of my apartment in Manchester. Not even sure if I’m ready to leave Manchester yet. I hope somebody from some company will see a potential to bring me in somewhere. This adventure is only the beginning, I have so much more to learn! Argh! The agony.

And strangely, while walking back to my place earlier, I don’t have that “homesick” feeling for as long as I’ve been here. I don’t know why (there’s so many don’t knows in this post, it’s driving my mad). I know I’ve always felt more home away from home. Over here, I just feel like I’m free from my inhabits that I am able to just be me. That and I have so many amazing people all over the continent, they make me feel like part of this giant extended family network too.

I just don’t want to see this end without a proper conclusion. At least not anytime soon.

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Getting the Right Travel Buddy

That Jumble Rumble

For today, only today
This is how I see
You and me
Far from everything
Yet so close to something.

For today, only today
Life turns into some jumble-wumble
About me, you, they, them
Little things we never give a damn
Suddenly, it all made more sense.

Tomorrow, maybe later today
This will all unfold
Those little things we hold on to
Will grow into something oh so wonderful
Something..more meaningful.

I didn’t know how to make a comeback, not that this is a comeback per se. I went back, 10 years back thinking how did I got around to do it then, everyday, sometimes two-three posts per day. Then, it all came back. Always go back to where you feel best, most comfortable, just at ease.

I’m no poet, not by a million miles that’s for sure but I find putting words thrown from my head somewhat like a therapy. It used to be THE therapy when I didn’t know how to express. Writing poems was all I knew. The ironic part was, I refused to write one (the very first one at 14 years old) when my English teacher asked us all to do for our homework. That poem, don’t know where it came from, entitled “When I Was A Kid” got quite a bit of words from her. Submitted somewhere too. That was when it all started. No. It started, then died for 4 years then it became a habit.

But that’s not the point of this post. Far from it. Oh dear fingers, can you go back on track..

That poem was the kickstart to everything that danywhere.com is right now. The poem I dedicate to my very dearest friend Syikin Harris about our journey when we travelled together last year around Europe. I didn’t know how to write, insisted I have to write, more like a need. It’s been bugging me since..at least 6 months and that was the result of the 2 minute free writing practice.

Bregenz_Friends

I know I want to write about my trip, every trip. But right now, this very moment – this precedes everything. That one of my biggest journey when travelling is the friendships I have with me, be it strangers or long time friends. My one month stint was truly about the people I’ve connected and reconnected. So expect some sappiness along the way. Sniff.

The thing about travelling is that, when you opt to travel with someone else (or more), it’s really all about make it or break it moment. If you blend well with each other, your trip will be even more awesome. If you don’t see eye to eye with your travel partner,..Houston we have a problem.

It’s almost common knowledge among my close friends that I’m very selective when I travel with other people. It’s just a matter of vibe, maturity, fun and all around complimentary. And that’s exactly how I would describe my super awesome travel buddy Syiks – complimentary. In every way possible.

Where I go left, she goes right. We balance each other out. We bicker A LOT while travelling too but after the first week of frustrations, we learned to embrace each other’s strengths. I dragged her for a Bali trip 4 years back on my birthday, which turned out to be her first travel plan and 4 days wasn’t enough to know the nitty gritty stuff about us but it gave us an idea who we are.

I’m that go with the flow kinda girl and she’s the OCD one.

And for this particular 31 days Euro trip we didn’t do detailed planning but we had the skeletal laid down. I throw in suggestions, ideas, places to go, to see and do while skyping and before you know it, Syiks turned my train of thoughts in excel spread sheets. I settle the entire transportation, she booked for accommodations and Coldplay concert. It was really a team effort although I felt like she put more effort in making everything laid out so that she can sleep in peace pre and during the trip.

I have to admit, it did came in handy tho that excel sheet of hers. But I also appreciate the fact that she went with opened mind knowing that traveling with me consists a lot of going with the flow stuff. The routine was, when we end up in one city,

“So any idea where will be going these few days?” she asked.

Then that’s where I come in, open the map, look at notes I had in mind then go from there. The trip was 50% early planning (you save a lot when booking for accommodations at least 3 weeks beforehand) and 50% play by ear. I don’t know why but I know Syiks is the type who likes things in order and for some reason she felt like she could trust me being in a continent she’s never been before (kudos for going through 21 hours flight straight!). I’m honoured.

Main HBF Frankfurt

I also remember, before meeting up at KLIA where Syiks arrived from Sydney 2 hours before our flight to Frankfurt that night, we talked a lot about the what ifs.

What if I get frustrated, what if I needed space, what if you can’t stand me, what if …

We made sure that we have an open communication with each other as I knew there’s no way to be fully prepared being with each other that long without losing our minds. And we did on a few occasions but it only made our friendship even stronger than before.

We bickered like nobody’s business, almost to a point like having a sibling really. The first week was tough because we were in a new place, in each other’s face all day and night and for some reason what she said and I said just never made any sense.

It took another good friend of mine, Hafiz who we met in London and then joined us in Paris pointed out why we were having such tensed moments when arguing. Then it all made more sense – we were not on the same page. D’oh! (There will be a post where Hafiz will pop up again)

We decided to make a friendship bracelet with both our names on it in Frankfurt. Now safely in Sydney.

We decided to make a friendship bracelet with both our names on it in Frankfurt. Now safely in Sydney.

Yesterday, we caught up a bit via imessage, preparing for my trip to Australia after 16 years and we looked back at our moments. We laughed about it but ultimately we knew whatever it was during that trip, changed us.

Changed us to be better people. Better communicators. Most importantly, changed us to be better friends to each other.

“Why then are you so picky with who you travel with? You love to travel, isn’t going with strangers part of the package?”

True. I do go out with people I hardly know on trips but mostly I make conscious effort that the vibe’s right. Travel to me is something sacred. And I don’t want to ruin anyone’s journey just because I’m a bit crazy. To each their own right?

Lindau

I can’t stressed out how important it is to find the best people to travel with, and when you do..hold ’em close ok?