I kinda understood what other people tell me, that when you’re away for a while and go back to where you came from – it takes a while to settle in. For some, they could never feel settled and I’m quite wary of that feeling. Of that restlessness.
To be quite honest, my return to KL is meant as a short break. But I can already sense that uneasiness when I’m around other people. I just don’t want to deal with all that yet. I don’t want to hear “So, what’s next?” or “What will you be doing?” again and again because I don’t know.
I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know.
There, that’s as honest as I can be. And I don’t like the look I get after they sense it from me. The “What are you going to do with your life?” look is one I detest right now because I feel like a failure. Yet I haven’t even achieved anything or done anything to prove that I will fall.
All I want to do right now, is just be. I know what I can do, I just need to figure out how to build that path here because it’s currently neither here nor there.
Three years ago, I created my own job after a year of experimenting. I know I’ll be creating another one for me to feel useful again.
Although, there is a new project I got to be part of last week and that awaken a sleeping monster. Again, I’m still unsure what I’m capable of doing. Like, I know I can do something but trying to put things together is where I feel lost. There’s this blank space I need to fill in but I don’t know with what.
I got to know so many amazing souls, so many I don’t know what to do about it.
That’s also another thing that’s driving me nuts.
Oh well, this is kinda part of the journey to figure myself out. I just hope I can wrap it up fast. Blah. I have roughly a month plus before I fly out and seriously get my shit together.