0

She Wears Her Heart on Her Sleeve

Like a strange familiar place I’ve made this world to be for the last two months since my previous update. I’ve moved on from “I don’t know” to jumping into a pool of work without realising. Subconsciously, I needed to be busy, to have my mind occupied doing work that matters so I have control over myself to stay away from dwindling into nothingness.

Partly, I’m lucky to have people who while I don’t know how much impact I can do, believe that I can whip something up. Or maybe I’m just that kid who just can’t say no.

Either ways, I’m working with amazing people doing different things but has one thing in common – a humanitarian element. Perhaps, that’s my Achilles heel. One I’m drawn to, where my heart resides. Without having a purpose leading up to this, I would lose sight easily and I’ve spent many years long ago knowing what that felt like.

Currently, the project I’m blessed to be part of is an initiative by WOMEN:girls – an apprenticeship programme called Kejar Kerja (loosely translated as Chase the Job?) for girls aged 18-28 years old without any degree or school dropouts who are interested in fashion, product design and culinary arts. The idea is to have 10 girls and matched them with a mentor and company each in the industry for 6 weeks. Our end goal for them is to get a full-time job and build skilled labour locally.

So far, in the last one week, we’ve been going on ground to several residence area where the urban poor communities live in Kuala Lumpur. Way before this, when we were preparing the details of the project, I knew it’s not gonna be an easy task. If anything, there will be so many set backs and limitations for us to reach out to these girls due to family, culture, mentality or lifestyle barriers.

But like everything else, you’ll never know until you’re there in it. Experiencing it.

Initially, we were targeting to get 20 applicants per residence area but as days go by, it already takes so much effort and hard work just to get one applicant to sign up. Just to pull them away from their comfort zone in their home to walk down the staircase felt like a magnet was pushing us away from them. So each day, just the thought of getting 3 people signed up was an achievement on it’s own. That each one had different reasons for doing so – mothers who pushed them to talk to us, neighbours who were aware of the need and sister who had to accompany.

There are a million ways to device a plan when it comes to reaching out to people and more often than not, it’s never a straight forward process. That’s probably why word of mouth is still the strongest form of marketing time and time again.

The channels to reach out are endless but to be able to know the platforms to breakthrough takes time and courage to try. A mind that withholds rejection. A soul that marches through walls. That’s the kind of spirit projects like this will require from each individual.

Having said that, after six days looking for them, I met with a roadblock.

I was waiting for this moment to happen. Waiting for the time when I will question myself and watch myself run in cirlces to overcome this notion. It’s almost a twisted satisfaction, this.

But, unlike past projects I’ve been involved, this is one where the team was not assembled by me. I’ve never worked with them before and vice versa. Imagine the sinister voice in my head, just waiting for the right moment to say “This will be interesting to see how you’ll be seen by others who don’t know how you’re like”.

I don’t think I’m capable of ruining something on purpose. If anything, I will do anything and everything before something crumbles. Or it’s just me putting a ridiculous expectation of myself to complete the work and when shit hits the fan, I become a different person.

“You know your leadership style is one that involves emotion right?” I hear Fei’s voice from our days in Hyper Island.

“You connect through emotions,” another friend once mentioned.

I think coming back from Manchester has untangled a few knots for me ever since. I don’t remember being more aware of the way I lead a team but looking back I remember episodes when I do have long conversations and figure out a way out for the rest so everyone can work better.

It’s not that I need to know but I do. No matter how much someone says you can push aside personal issues at work, to me, if there’s a way to solve those personal issues, then eventually your work will be more positively affected. Well, that’s just the super optimistic side of me thinks.

It doesn’t help that the projects I’m involved this year are mainly about emotions. Or maybe it helps me. We’ll see.

Here I was listening to others and their stories when at one point, I was wondering, how much should I open up about myself to them? After all, we are working on a professional level. Where do we draw the line that there are things you shouldn’t know about the other? Do we even have a line?

Because there was a point in time when I was questioning myself – should I be this vulnerable? Should I admit that I feel like shit and responsible for the downfall even though we’re only at the beginning of the marathon? Do they want to know? Does it even matter?

This goes back to what type of leadership style we fall into and I so happened to be more aligned with the coaching type. Not that I think I’m a good coach given that I too am learning on the job but I guess, that’s just the way I create the work culture. To be invested in the projects you do, you have to have some level of investment in the people you work with to. It’s a personal preference how much you want to dig in so long as it keeps the dynamic balanced.

After all, we are living in a world of noise. Of other people talking. Of no one listening.

So someone has to listen and fill up the gap.

‘Cuz at the end of the day, people can easily tell the way I feel just by looking at me. I’m that’s girl who wears her heart on her sleeve.

You will know if I’m into it or not. You just do even without me trying.

Blah, the perils of embracing yourself. Vulnerability is part of the package.

1

Running in Circles

I kinda understood what other people tell me, that when you’re away for a while and go back to where you came from – it takes a while to settle in. For some, they could never feel settled and I’m quite wary of that feeling. Of that restlessness.

To be quite honest, my return to KL is meant as a short break. But I can already sense that uneasiness when I’m around other people. I just don’t want to deal with all that yet. I don’t want to hear “So, what’s next?” or “What will you be doing?” again and again because I don’t know.

I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know.

There, that’s as honest as I can be. And I don’t like the look I get after they sense it from me. The “What are you going to do with your life?” look is one I detest right now because I feel like a failure. Yet I haven’t even achieved anything or done anything to prove that I will fall.

All I want to do right now, is just be. I know what I can do, I just need to figure out how to build that path here because it’s currently neither here nor there.

Three years ago, I created my own job after a year of experimenting. I know I’ll be creating another one for me to feel useful again.

Although, there is a new project I got to be part of last week and that awaken a sleeping monster. Again, I’m still unsure what I’m capable of doing. Like, I know I can do something but trying to put things together is where I feel lost. There’s this blank space I need to fill in but I don’t know with what.

I got to know so many amazing souls, so many I don’t know what to do about it.

That’s also another thing that’s driving me nuts.

Oh well, this is kinda part of the journey to figure myself out. I just hope I can wrap it up fast. Blah. I have roughly a month plus before I fly out and seriously get my shit together.

1

The Epitome of Love is Food

The Hundred-Foot Journey

My favourite scene from the movie, the most moving one for me.

Since the day The Hundred-Foot Journey trailer premiered, I’ve resoluted to watch it by hook or by crook and when it was shown at Odeon all over UK, I somehow missed the chance to catch it! Given that the cinema is only 4 minutes walk from my place is not an excuse either.

Since I got home early today, I pre-heat my dinner I made yesterday and watched it for two hours.

Deep in the recesses of my brain, I somehow knew there has to be a reason why I didn’t see this movie when I should’ve – I wouldn’t have been ready for a tsunami filled with nostalgia crashing over me. That much I knew.

I was flooded by memories of long forgotten person in my life and the moment I saw Om Puri playing as Hassan’s father, I’m immediately reminded of my late granpa. Of whom I only spent 6 years knowing.

The essence of Om Puri’s character struck a chord in me and the floodgate opened like there’s no tomorrow. I haven’t missed him in the last 10 years and suddenly today, I’m back to being heartbroken again. A decade ago, I wrote my first ever monologue dedicated to him and read it out loud in class. A monologue meant as a closure after his 13 years absence. And then, I pushed it so far back in my mind, I don’t have that attachment memories to him as much as I did.

I feel somewhat guilty after realising it now. The first person I was thankful for existing in my life (no matter how short it was) who embraced me for me. My granpa who didn’t have qualms getting his little grand daughter her very first train set, a string aeroplane and entertained me with car rides to meet his friends, inviting me to sit outside of the petrol station to keep him company selling newspapers while my late granma attended the cash counter in Penang. That was how I remembered my early childhood of me and my grandparents from different culture, ethnicity, countries and at one point, religion too.

Part of the reason why I have this constant battle being different is because in Malaysia, you’re in one of this boxes to tick – Malay, Chinese, Indian or Others. My fucking problem (pardon my French) is that, I’m all four, for god sake. I’m not just one or the other. On face value, many Malaysians will say to you that they are not racist by nature (sure..) but when it comes to cursing or making comments, you can find every derogatory words describing one or the other so offensive, it makes me wonder what does being racist truly meant to them?

There is a point to this post about The Hundred-Foot Journey.

The scene above is the most powerful in the movie for me. It captures what Asian values are about, especially when it comes to the food they present. It’s this family equation that makes their food so rich and captivating.

Sure, there’s a reason why Michelin awarded restaurants exist for a reason and they do make good food. The amount of insanity they put in to create a dish to look so delicate, refined and complex yet simple is commendable. It might justify the price we pay to dine in as well and I’m all for the theatrical elements in fine dining cuisine but watching this movie reminded me why food is part of my life. Part of me.

If you’ve known me long enough, you would know that I’ve got this sick obsession with (good) food and more often than not, Asian food ranks the highest for me. Malaysian food is ace for me because we have chinese, indian, malay, thai and every other cuisines mixed into the pot. The only problem with Malaysia, like most things – we don’t know how to market ourselves and own it. It pisses me off a lot of the times but oh well, that’s Malaysia.

There is a line in the movie when Hassan repeated what Marguerite said when they were picnicking,
“Food is memories”.

That’s spot on for me, like I was hit by a lightning. It got me thinking about my memories of people with food and for my granma, it would be her winter melon and ham choy soups. One time when I was sick for about a year, she flew all the way to take care of me and I would remember going to the pot every time to have a peek, to see if I could have another bowl. My mum on the other hand, while isn’t the best cook but there’s one particular dish I love from her and always look forward with a plate of hot rice – fried assam fish. I remember the briyani I tend to eat with my granpa back then but I don’t think I was old enough to remember the food he cooked (many people told me of his infamous dishes). I have more people I go to for a specific type of food they do very well and it’s what makes me feel connected to them.

Food to me is not just food. It’s the hard labour of love consisted of blood, sweat and tears when cooking up a storm for a family. It’s that essential ingredient that makes what you eat heaven in your mouth. That’s where I put my money mostly. The smallest, corner shop making home-cooked meals. Yep.

There’s just something about food and me that’s inseparable. Sometimes sickening but more often than not, I find joy when I discover a new eatery worth my tummy singing.

Btw, this is my second post for today, a first since a decade ago (when my first blog was set up, I used to blog daily, sometimes twice or thrice a day) 🙂 I guess, I just need to get it out about missing my granpa.

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0

Saving the World Business Love Affair

One of my favourite discoveries in Yorkshire

One of my favourite discoveries in Yorkshire

Eye rolls, grins and that typical look I get whenever someone ask me about what I intend to do.

I have to admit, whatever I end up saying or plan to do will most likely sound like I’m trying to save the world. So I get why I get those looks from people most of the time. I really do.

Because, if I was them, I’d do the same too.

I don’t know what is it with me and the idea of doing something that resonates with this superhero complexity I have. Maybe, a part of me wants to undo the past, of what I didn’t have the power or wisdom to do anything then but today, given the knowledge and experience, perhaps I can right the wrong somehow. Give other people the opportunity to live in better state of mind.

I have roughly 9 days before my adventure with Hyper Island in Manchester comes to an end. Yesterday marked our sixth month residency in this city that I’ve come to find comfort in and I realised that being in HI has elevated my determination to do whatever I want because they allow us to do what we want. Therein lies a crux for some of us, well more for me really. I’ve been giving it a lot of thought, what is it about HI that made me be the way I am today? How is it different from the rest? Am I looking at the rose-tinted glasses that I’m potentially setting myself for some kind of down fall once the bubble burst?

To be honest, I don’t know.

It could be a long love affair with my life of fighting against the current since the day I was born. There is always something I had to pull out of the hat to prove that I’m here, alive and relevant. It was also part of the 10 year love affair with the black hole I spent spiralling through my growing up years.

So yes, being in Hyper Island wiped off all that history of breaking walls and burning bridges with society back home. I may be one of the weirdest alien in Malaysia but over here, HI forces us to go deeper and embrace our differences. That, my weirdness is not weird enough to be called weird.

Wait, does that even make sense?

Essentially, that freedom to explore all corners of my interests, fascinations and weirdness have made me felt like I’m normal. So normal, I need to kick myself to push harder. I don’t know where Be Autistic, my industry research project will be taking me to..because I’m setting myself so freaking high, I’m hanging onto anything at this point.

I wonder if one day I’ll wake up feeling “Yes, I’ve conquered my confidence!” and be done with all the insecurities. Then, I remember, confidence is a work in progress, it’s not something we can overcome once and for all and move on from there. There’s always something to shake it up, to make things even.

For now though, I’m done feeling inferior with myself. I’m ending this turmoil about feeling like I’m so different that I’m never gonna figure this life out because.. as Tash once told me at a party we were at (not sure if she even remembered), I’m not that different as I thought.

Seriously, coming here really opened my eyes about myself. I may have been fighting an endless battle all my life because back home, whoever I’m suppose to be is not yet an “accepted” concept but over here, you have to fight harder to stay true to who you are.

Fuh, that’s a lot of battles but without them, I don’t think living is worth it at all. We just have to pick the right battles that will enrich our mind and soul. If anything, it should empower us to do things differently (in a good way, of course). And if it doesn’t, there’s always tomorrow to change that.

I’m not looking forward to moving out of my apartment in Manchester. Not even sure if I’m ready to leave Manchester yet. I hope somebody from some company will see a potential to bring me in somewhere. This adventure is only the beginning, I have so much more to learn! Argh! The agony.

And strangely, while walking back to my place earlier, I don’t have that “homesick” feeling for as long as I’ve been here. I don’t know why (there’s so many don’t knows in this post, it’s driving my mad). I know I’ve always felt more home away from home. Over here, I just feel like I’m free from my inhabits that I am able to just be me. That and I have so many amazing people all over the continent, they make me feel like part of this giant extended family network too.

I just don’t want to see this end without a proper conclusion. At least not anytime soon.

2

I Left Advertising but it’s Embedded in Me

This whole week has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me personally. I did a lot more reflections since my last post, one that I’ve never revealed to anyone but ended up in the cyberspace one fine morning.

That whole revelation about how I treat myself like someone with autistic was not something I had in mind before this. I only realised it when I wrote it here and then more things made sense for me. It’s probably the most accurate description I could tell other people who has to deal with me in the future, like I’m wearing a warning label. 

The thing is, my mind would process logic and facts easily. Emotions cannot be proven, or rather has too many variables to play with and it only makes it too complicated to conclude. This is why Science of Deduction is my favourite go-to method. But this also means I need to spend significant time reading.

And usually, people who thinks logically will eliminate emotions altogether. Often, they are perceive as emotion-less for this reason. I however, function on a different spectrum. While my mind prefers to work with facts and logic, I have very high empathy. That means, I can easily understanding emotions if I put myself in other people’s shoes. The only setback is that, I can’t prove with facts unless it’s been tested already. Because whatever I say would be limited to my own observations and experience

Mind_Heart

This is me figuring out the bridge.


 

My biggest problem for the longest time is to bridge these two and up until two days ago, I’ve been functioning on separate entities.

Jessie tagged me on Brain Picking’s post about Drawing Autism which made me connect more dots about my childhood tendencies. Like a lightbulb, I had my “Aha!” moment lighted brightly. Not that I’m certain about my self-diagnosed but it gave me some form of clarity I’ve been searching all my life. I’m still on that path where there are infinity dots left to figure out but this week really untangled one of my life’s biggest mystery ever.

Which then answers a lot about why I found so much difficulty working in the advertising industry dog years ago. At the time, when I quit the industry, I accepted that I wasn’t fit for the environment, wasn’t as creative as the agency and industry demands and overall, just not awesome. I accepted that as an Art Director, I suck and I’m ok with that because I use my design background to beautify not to manipulate. 

In countries where branding is a strong market, there is such role as Art Director specifically for design and I was convinced, if I were to come back, that would be the role that fits me best. 

Advertising is a dog eat dog world. You have to love it, have passion for it to not only survive when climbing up the ladder but be the best of the best. Because at the end of the day, it’s a small world where everyone knows everyone and words will spread if you’re good or otherwise. 

I started off way at the bottom, from scratch as a DTP Artist in SpencerAzizul Advertising and worked my way up for half a decade. I had some of the best mentors I could ever asked for. Erman being one of the most influential people always sat me down and talked about things that ignite his passion and also which direction I should take. Today, (I feel) he is one of the more prominent minds in the industry and I have no doubt that the Creative Director role is in his pocket sometime soon. Calvin’s another guy who always have this crazy ideas that feels like it’s so out of reach but very possible. Since I was an intern, a small potato – he would go to my table and get me to collaborate with him. I never really understood why because there were so many other talented people in the office. 

“I like your stuff! I think it would be exciting to do this” Cal would say this often when I ask. So did Soon, previous ECD of ours. He used to tell me this a lot but as always, I just didn’t understand why.

Of course, it doesn’t help that I kept thinking everyone’s out of my league in this world. But I worked very hard to be part of this family, at one point I can instantly name the typefaces used (Erman’s very particular about spacing, kerning and typography). I can still name them today but it might take a wee bit more time. 

Then, there’s always the “what’s next?” questions popping up here and there. Slowly this family of 3 years started to disintegrate for better offers and careers. And it slowly made me question where I should be. Naturally, the next step from being a Graphic Designer, especially in Malaysia is to be an Art Director. It’s common sense. There’s no two ways about it when it comes to making a mark for yourself.  

Like his idol Sagmeister, Erman creates typography using anything and everything. I love his instagram feed @ermanbasiron

Like his idol Sagmeister, Erman creates typography using anything and everything. I love his instagram feed @ermanbasiron

Y&R was probably a reality check. Despite spending more than 2 years there, I never really found myself in it. Not because the agency wasn’t good. I just didn’t know how I can be myself in this world. I would dread the word advertising, like a nightmare I had to wake up everyday because it was dissecting one job brief after another, changing campaigns as per client’s request bla bla bla..

When Sasha and Sathi came on board, that feeling sort of pushed aside. I felt like I could do this again with them around even though part of me still couldn’t grasp this responsibility as an AD. We would brainstorm day in day out, trying to be different but still included in the many guidelines given. It wasn’t an ordeal I thoroughly enjoyed but because I had a kick ass copywriter who I could connect with and a funny group head, I immersed myself in this black ocean. 

Some people isn’t cut out to be something. And that’s ok.

It was a mantra I kept playing in my head because while everyone was rushing to get their scams executed before submitting for awards, I ran away from that mentality. But you see, when you’re in an international agency, (winning) awards is part of that dream and the more great ideas approved for submission, people acknowledge that you’re great. I don’t understand that need nor do I have a hunger for it. 

Yet, in the midst of all of that confusion, I was always attracted to the digital world. I just didn’t know what to do with it. I often go blank and poor Sasha had to help polish me with ideas so that we can just do something for the team. Everyday, I feel more helpless than the day before.

I sent in my first resignation to Sathi but he talked me out of it (much like how it was in my previous agency). I gave it another chance and a year later, that throb kept beating harder. By this time, I felt so detached from advertising like it was a foreign language I could never learn to understand. I felt very sad to leave a team who shaped me but I also felt relieved because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone by holding this title I felt was undeserved.

I went back to basic, to where it all started – design. Only this time, it was freelancing. I did a month or so stint as a freelance Art Director a couple months after I left for a smaller agency because I needed the money but as soon as I woke up into that world again, I began to feel resentment.

“Wasn’t this why I left my job in the first place?” kept ringing in my head. Conscience has a brutal honest voice. That’s my conscience. 

Once that job ended, I felt free again. Lesson learned that whenever I do anything for money, all these negative emotions will be infested in me and for that, it became my compass. The greatest reminder in my professional life.

Then I got to collaborate and work with a state tourism agency. I wrote many things about this chapter in my life here but the moment Fazly gave me veto power to handle the social media, I found my purpose. I didn’t understand what it was, no one knew what to do with it or had any idea for that matter. 2011 was when social media grew very fast in the local waves. I did a lot of reading, countless of hours researching, understanding and mind mapping this unknown world until we came up with ways to change the way tourism industry function in the cyber world.

Despite the (many many many) setbacks in that 3 years I invested to this work, the results were far more than any of us could’ve expected. Especially when it started from nothing. We did something with our hands, eyes, mouth and feet tied. While the visual might seem exaggerating, that was exactly how we felt. But courage, passion, tenacity and motivation to do better and have bigger purpose than what is given, we became better people. 

I merged my knowledge from the ad world. What I know and experienced, I put my entire mind, heart and soul combined with other great souls to achieve what we came to change. It wasn’t easy and it will never be easy but the fact that I found my purpose, obstacles are just hoops we have to jump, run, crawl or push over to overcome.

Coming to Hyper Island was the best back up plan I made. Despite knowing that I would give the same amount of heart being a psychologist, this is something bigger. Design, branding, marketing, art direction and copy will always be my core knowledge no matter what I do but perhaps I finally know why I had a hard time back then was because..

I needed time to read and research about a subject before I can contribute any ideas or find solutions to. I didn’t give myself time for that and that’s why my performance was below par. I kept chasing to be as good as other people but I will never be like most people – I can’t just come up with great ideas without fully understanding what the problems, clients, subjects and possibilities are. I compute differently and way more complex. I need to form a clear understanding before I can jump to the next level.

I asked myself last night with this knowledge at hand, would I make a better Art Director if I was given a second chance? Perhaps. But it also depends on the agency’s culture. 

Maybe service design agency would suit better. 

in the end, no matter where we go, I think this ad sums up everything well and also a reminder why we should be doing what we love more. There’s no perfect world but we can change the way we perceive things. I may have left advertising but it’s apparent that advertising didn’t ditch me, no matter the years that went by.

A very smart classified as for Saatchi & Saatchi done by it's CD, Sathi. (a/l means son of in Malaysia)

A brilliant classified ad for Saatchi & Saatchi Malaysia written by it’s CD, Sathi. (a/l means son of in Malaysia)

6

Combustion and Autistic Tendencies.

This is my dog Rolly. 5 years ago she got lost as a puppy and ended up at my porch one morning. I think she's my kindred spirit. As odd as it may sound.

This is my dog Rolly. 5 years ago she got lost as a puppy and ended up at my porch one morning. I think she’s my kindred spirit. As odd as it may sound.

Sometimes, I feel like I can relate to the way people with autism operates. The brain functions differently and it’s difficult to explain the way it processes information not because stupid or slow but because the brainwave embedded (in my head) is a lot more complex than many people. Therefore information can be interpreted infinity times more. It’s not something that can (ever) be changed genetically.

I can only communicate that I need time and deeper reading to understand. What may seem simple or complex is only a perception by an individual.

So it can be frustrating to make people understand me and vice versa. That’s probably why dealing with autism people takes a lot of patience and I often treat myself to that level. That I need patience for myself and for others to let me get to that level where I can transmit thoughts and ideas in layman terms.

Above all, I’m glad that there are people who have do their best to work well with me despite this tendency I have and not just jump into conclusions and cut me off or out. More than anything, I feel blessed to know these people I call my friends who I feel more like a family yesterday when I broke down.

Everyday I think of ways to understand people better. That’s why I do a lot of writing and mind mapping when people talk too fast or too much. I need to digest all this information and not be overwhelmed by all the senses. Few people will at first take it personally that I seem to listen but I don’t pay attention because I’m jotting down on my notebook but this only happens when there’s too many things going on and I need to isolate all my senses and maximise it’s capabilities.

So by eliminating sight, I can hear better. By focusing on a blank piece of paper and the pen that will translate massive amount of information, my brains can focus on taking it apart and restructuring it again. It’s either that or I focus on music to recalibrate my thoughts. Photography works brilliant with this system because the eye focus on the composition and subject, background and foreground. The brain analyses the way the composition, subject, background and foreground merges together.

It’s the idea of being able to detach everything, breaking it down into smaller pieces and then piece the puzzle back again into a bigger picture that makes me feel more assured and accomplished. It’s taking apart and finding the core values, the source of the inspiration or issue before trying to find solution that makes it easier for me to understand how things work and feel more comfortable figuring it out.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder if deep down I have some form of autism symptoms because I know I have to put in a lot more work to keep up with people and be at their level.

Or maybe many people in general prefer to talk instead of making space for their silent thoughts.

I’m still coping and finding ways to figure it out. More so for myself so that others won’t have as much difficulty understanding me than I do of myself. I can only imagine what it must feel like for other people to deal with me when at times I find it infuriating just because I am wired this way. I can only wish that there’s a computer that could translate my brainwave for me so that other people can understand the way I work but until someone comes up with it, all I can ask is be patient.

I will get there. I just function differently.

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0

Back Against The Wall

Under Construction

At this point in time,
the road is unseen,
unwritten and unimagined;
Yet here I am standing,
heart and soul exposed
with everything to lose.

I want to answer,
I want to say,
Most definitely to scream
“It will be okay”
but I never convey
Never reach for that day.

Honestly, I am too afraid
Don’t know what to do
With this grenade,
ticking away minute after minute
“Just throw it to me”,
whispered a voice I never foresee.

How can this be?
So far from any possibility.
I see that charming smile,
the one that’s capable
of undoing everything
I try very hard protecting.

It’s always gonna be like this,
One moment I think I’m done
And then I’m hitting home run.
Someone tell me what’s going on,
‘Cuz at this rate, I’m so far gone
I don’t know what I should hold on.

“What about the adventure you speak of?”
Oh, how I long for those days my love!
He took my hands and shove all insecurities,
Writing our story with so much purity
“I’ve always been here, only a lot less gutsy”
“Welcome home”, I hand out his old key.

 

I wrote Under Construction a month ago but had pushed it aside because I didn’t think it had any place here, or in my point of view, I don’t know how it could fit in this little world.

I don’t know any other way to write but to tell it from the way I feel deep down. I think because I felt that my back is against the wall more times than I like it to be, whether on my own doing or otherwise..it’s been a struggle to push back.

So I stay put for a bit. Praying for the calmness to arrive after chaos.

To be frank, I don’t know how to move forward from here. Maybe once I get this phase over and done with, I’ll get that release I’ve been longing for. Excuse my incapability in writing something important right now. There’s a time when the need needs to be met before crossing over to the greener pasture. This is that.

When I face a wall, poetry and art manage to depict my emotions. There is no better way to describe the feelings I’ve been going through than Pablo Suarez’s Exclusion masterpiece which was exhibited at The Museum of Modern Art in Buenos Aires, Argentina.

Pablo Suarez Exclusion Argentina