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twenty one pilots: Holding On To You

If there’s something I’m well known for is to constantly take hold of the direction I’m heading. Often times, it’s not always the way you and I see it but most of the time, it’s always how He wants it.

So what do you do? What do I do?

Take the ride and make it our own.

I think if there’s anything that I can take from all the trips I’ve made – whether on my own or with strangers, it would probably be that just being there, observing, be part of life, His creations, our doings..it’s probably the most alive thing I would ever experience in my existence.

I don’t exactly have a bucket list of places I want to go. I just go. It doesn’t have to be places no one else has been or the number one I have to be. In that moment, where time and space meets, I take it. I make it a part of my chapter, my life..just simply my own thing.

So right after #TSBreakAway ended, I’ve been bombarded with “What’s next?”. Like do I have to know what to answer? I’ve only just started breathing. Ask me next month maybe?

But that’s the thing with me and I don’t know what everyone might think..I don’t plan out in detail but I do somehow know where I should end up in. How I’m getting there, that part I leave it to the Guy Upstairs to write for me. I am after all his character to play with.

I know that if I’m lost, I’ll find my way back. I go back to basic, to where I know best.

This song, twenty one pilot’s Holding On To You best describes how I feel the whole year. Last year, I might struggle finding sanity, this year it’s finding my faith where faith may seem to disappear.

#TSBreakAway is a sum of that, of my miseries, my frustrations, my joy and my passion for the things I do and love, for the wants and needs and for what I want to change. I’m thankful that many share the same vision as I am in making it happen, to an extend, giving me their hand to lift me up when I’m in darkness and for all that has happened, that madness I put myself into, I only have them to thank for.

I don’t know what I can do best. I don’t know if I’ll be doing the next big thing or if I can come up with anything. I do know that when it’s something so dear to me is at the brink of extinction, I become protective..yet powerless at the sight of seeing it dying.

A lot like our earth really. That urge to hurl at the sight of a balding Earth is unbearable.

Still, I do wonder why He created me. I probably annoy more people than I can count but at the end of the day, if you do what you know is best – everyone else can talk about you, of what they know about you and it doesn’t exactly matter. It could be good, it could be bad. Just keep doing what matters to you. What makes you feel better being alive. The rest will be taken care of eventually.

I think I know where this post is heading or why I ended up writing it (my fingers, it’s all their doings really). That I’ve grown up since young being called with all sorts of names, some hurt me more than others but today, knowing why I do what I do, and do it well with the help of others – it doesn’t kill me anymore. It doesn’t kill me to think that “You know what, you can’t please everyone. You can’t make everyone like you”.

That, they can believe whatever version of you and that’s ok.

Sasha gave me possibly the book that changed my life at 25 and this was part of what I’ve been carrying myself with,

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss

So yeah, I’ve accepted that I am weird and it’s no easy task to fit in in a society that thrives in normalcy or whatever it means. I am ok being on my own. Ok that I only have friends I can count with my fingers who knows me. If you’re not part of that, I am fine by it too.

Just that, I’ve had too many complications in the past, where it blinded me too many times so as of late, I’m only invested in what is worth my mind and soul.

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